Might as well dance!

To market, to market...

2009-07-25T15:16:00.008-04:00

No! We did NOT buy a fat pig!

But we did brave the downpour to visit the 2nd Street Public Market. It was our first time this season because we have been so busy, but now I remember why it was an almost weekly trip before. I love visiting all the vendors, even if it isn't something I need. I like the small-town feel of seeing the same farmer and knowing who has the sweetest corn or the freshest herbs. Today was Kids Day at the Market, and some of the children of the vendors were selling their goods to "practice" their skills of merchandising, selling and customer relations. They were so cute. I missed out on a good deal from one little girl selling flowers, because she was sold out when we came back. Good for her!

But what I did come home with...

A bunch of fresh basil and some multi-colored tomatoes. I had a delicious, fresh lunch!

Also, I have told you before of my love for the Flowerman! He keeps me out of therapy during the winter months when a quick trip to his brightly colored cooler, chases the "blahs" away!

I got several bunches today, all in white and cream because I love how fresh they look in my brown-toned living room. And you just can't beat 5 bunches for $10!!

Aren't these Gerber Daisies gorgeous?

I also picked up some Gretna cheese. I had never even heard of this before, but they were offering some "Grilled Gretna" samples and after we all tried some, we decided we had to buy it and try it at home. I looked up the dairy on line that makes it and it said...

"GRETNA GRILLIN' is a delicious (halloumi-style) easy-to-love cheese. A pressed, cooked, brined, semi-soft, salty and buttery non-melting cheese made from pasteurized whole cow's milk. When browned in a sizzling hot skillet it forms a beautiful golden crust. Eat it grilled, baked, grated on pasta, or served with fruit. "

YUM!!

It reminded me of the time we went to a friend's house for Raclette. Also, delicious and so much fun! But I think Raclette cheese has a sharper flavor. Needless to say, I am inspired to try out some new recipes with grilled cheese.

Lastly, the kids decided among all the fruits and veggies, that they wanted fresh baked cinnamon bread for breakfast. I don't have a photo of that, maybe I will wait until morning and capture them enjoying it!

Summer goes flying by...

2009-07-22T23:56:00.005-04:00

I haven't blogged in so long, because we have been so busy!

I will be giving you a brief highlight (and also a memory for myself) of how our summer has gone...

Shortly after school let out, we traveled to Pennsylvania. We spent a few days in Pittsburgh, taking the kids to the Children's Museum, Carnegie Science Center, Heinz Field and of course, Primanti Bros. I have lots of photos uploaded to my facebook page if you want to take a look.

Next I had the amazing opportunity to be the Director of the church camp where I grew up. It all came together very quickly and I felt like I was getting in over my head. But, I was thrilled to be able to share this experience with my family. Reilly was a camper, Drew was my assistant and Brae and Ave were visitors, when they weren't having loads of fun at their very own, "Camp Nana&Papa"!

It was really interesting to me, that while I had lots of memories from childhood, I felt very disconnected from the girl that I was then. I am not sure if that was because I was in a role I had never known or because time passes and changes us all. Chew on that awhile....

After we got back from that trip, WHEW! was I ex-HAUS-ted! I felt like I slept harder than I have in a long time! And boy, did it feel good to take a "real" shower!

We had lots of fun on the Fourth of July, even though it rained...again! Seems like lots of our 4th parties have gotten rained out, or rather rained on, the party continued!

We had our block party, another smashing success.

We have made several trips to the pool, although our summer has been anything but hot and sunny.

I have had the chance to visit with friends, make countless playdates, visit the library, have lots of bar-b-que, and iced tea, and even relax on my swing...

Ahhh..........................Summer!

It's ONE o'clock in the morning...

2009-05-20T01:00:00.003-04:00

Wow! I just finished editing and posting some photos from a wedding last Saturday.

Ummm.

Yeah.

...I started at 10 p.m.!!! You can check them out at my other blog site. (There's my shameless plug for my photography "business".)

I have missed you my blogging friends. And I admit; when I have jumped on here briefly, I have been stogging you. Just quickly catching an update or two, and running to the next thing that is demanding my attention.

I have been unbelievably swamped lately.

I have been helping each of my kids wrap up their school years with last minute assignments, projects and school plays.

I have been working on getting our plans for the summer together.

I have been excercising!

I have been researching cameras and doing a lot of "ground work" for the photography stuff (I am having a blast, but like with anything else, it is work and demands more of my time than I feel I can adequately give).

We are still praying about whether to put our house on the market or not, but of course I am checking the MLS daily for any new listings.

BUSY BUSY GIRL!

So... not much substance for my first post back in over a month, but I hope to get back in the swing of journaling. God has been teaching me some neat stuff and writing it out helps me process it all. So there will be more to come. I need to shoot out a couple more emails then I am off to bed.

BEWARE! I am one "cranky yankee" when I don't get my sleep. Isn't that funny? I haven't said that in years. My suite mate from Alabama used to tell me that all the time!

Double Digits!

2009-04-14T09:06:00.010-04:00

Happy Birthday Reilly!

I can't believe you are 10 years old!

Where, oh where, did the time go...

I remember bringing you home from the hospital, you were so tiny, wrapped in your sweet baby blanket. Your sleeves were rolled as were the waist of your pants because none of your clothes fit you in the beginning.

In those first days at home, I remember two life changing moments, one on top of the other.

As I held you and tried to drink in all of your newborn features, I was struck with a feeling in my chest only describable as... pain.

I felt my heart would break with the love I held for you, my mere body could not contain this new undeniable feeling of motherhood. I knew in those moments that I was doing exactly what I was created for.

As I was thanking God for the beautiful gift of your life molded into mine, I felt in my soul, the Father say, "And how you feel right now is simply a glimpse of how crazy I am about you!"

*Gasp*

What!

This is how GOD feels?

About... me?

It was too much. I had never worshipped God like I did that day.

Thanking Him, over and over, for the favor of being able to grasp in some minuscule way,

His Great Love.

Thanking Him, that as humans, He allows us to possess some of that love for each other.

Marveling at how He knit together your life before I ever held you in my arms.

Believing that His promises for your life are somehow wrapped up in mine.

Begging Him to make me the mother He wanted me to be.

You were my whole world! My days were consumed with taking care of you and showering you with all the love that was growing in me. Each day was a new adventure for us. I love that you were born in the Springtime. We took walks almost daily and I told you that Nature was celebrating you birthday, with each new flower we discovered or the blooming trees or the occasional baby squirrel or bunny.

You are my firstborn.

You are the one who first captured my heart.

You are the reminder to me of God's great love.

Now look at you! You are so grown up. You have always been mature for your age. I like to think that is because you spent all your time with me when you were so little. Now your days are filled with school and studying, being with your friends and singing. You are my STAR!

You have loved performing since you were very little. You have NO FEAR of getting in front of people and showing your stuff. You can imitate all kinds of accents and you are always making one of us laugh. You love to put on solos and skits for the family, but your favorite is; fashion shows. Especially when you get brother and sis to play along!

You know that I can't talk about all your wonderful qualities and not mention your strength.

Sometimes people say "strong-willed." Hmmm....I don't know if that's quite right.

You can be strong-willed.

You can be unyielding.

You can be uncompromising.

You can be unwavering.

You can be STEADFAST!

It is my challenge as your mother to take those characteristics and help you mold them into the person God already knows you will be.

Someone who fights for what is right.

Someone who doesn't give in to temptation.

Someone who believes without apology.

Someone who will not be moved.

Someone who STANDS with her God.

Rei, God has equipped you with a strength like I have never seen.

You are bold!

You are tough!

You are mighty

and brave

and courageous!

And God made you like this for a REASON!

I don't know His purpose for your life, but He does!

I don't know where He will take you, but He does.

I don't know how He will use you, but He does!

And I can't wait to see it!

My beautiful girl, you are on the verge of leaving childhood behind and becoming a young lady. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for encouraging me into a deeper dependence on my Father. Thank you for inspiring me to be the best Mom I can be. Thank you for forgiving me when I mess up and don't see you as the person God created you to be. May my mistakes as your Mom, only serve to draw you closer to the Parent who never makes mistakes.

My precious, sweet angel face...

I love you!

You are everything I wish I could be.

Always, Momma

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness.

Colossians 2:6-7

And now, my kids eat asparagus...

2009-04-02T13:17:00.003-04:00

but not the old fashioned way, where Mom steams it over the stove.

Allow me to introduce you to my First Posted Recipe!

Tomato Parmesan Couscous

2T. Olive oil

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 1/4 fat free and reduced sodium* chicken broth

1 pkg. Near East Couscous Toasted Pine Nut

10 fresh asparagus spears, trimmed and cut into 1/2 in. pieces

2 large plum tomatoes, seeded and diced

3/4 cup Parmesan cheese, grated

1. In large skillet, heat olive oil over medium heat. Cook garlic for 2 minutes. Add broth and contents of spice sack. Bring just to a boil. Stir in asparagus.

Reduce heat; cover and simmer 1 minute.

2. Stir in couscous; cover and remove from heat. Let stand 5 minutes.

3. Stir in tomatoes and Parmesan cheese.

*I substituted regular broth, and it was definitely more salty than I like.

It was so yummy! Any time I can sneak in veggies and my turkeys don't complain, the recipe becomes a keeper. Thought I would pass it on.

P.S. ChristyLou, I know you are proud...but before you get too sappy, you should know that the recipe was on the back of the couscous box-*gasp*- ! ; )

HI FRIENDS!

2009-03-31T21:25:00.001-04:00

I have been without my DSL connection for 5 days!

I have missed you and look forward to reading and catching up with all of you!

I don't think I will post again tonight, but darn that Flicker Friday is right around the corner AGAIN!

What was I thinking...

I just don't do well with agendas and time frames-aagghh!

Good thing I married that Type A.

Flicker Fridays

2009-03-27T07:00:00.001-04:00

"Mini"-session with Avery's best friend Sophia.

Taken at Smith Gardens, Oakwood, Ohio.

Sophia has the most gorgeous red hair, don't you think?

She Speaks Conference

2009-03-26T08:54:00.008-04:00

Do you know about this? Have any of you gone before? I have been stogging

on this site for a few days now trying to find out as much info as possible.

As I told you, in my previous post, God has really been speaking to me. And this conference is all about saying "Yes!" to Him and His calling in your life.

And I really, really want to go! So first I am asking for your prayers, because I am still not sure exactly what my calling is. I know that God has a plan for my life and I know that I have been in a season of preparation for what is to come, but I have no idea... what is to come! I just know enough to be obedient and open to where ever He leads.

(Not that that is too scary or anything!)

I have been encouraged before by others to write a book, (now granted one of those others is my mother) and I have often said that there is a story inside of me trying to find it's way onto the page. I have attempted some writing here and there but never seem to know which direction to go with it...and that is in part what this conference is all about, taking your passions and gaining new direction, finding your voice and effectively reaching people where God has equipped you.

There is an opportunity to win a FULL scholarship to this conference. You can read more about it here. You can even enter to win yourself if you think you might be interested. I am entering and wanted to tell you all about it too. It is put on by the gals at Proverbs 31 Ministries. There are different "tracks" you can take at the conference if you are interested in writing, speaking or leading a women's/young women's minsitry and even how to blog more effectively.

I feel like I still have so much to learn and so far to go and I am so glad that these opportunities exist. Thank you to Lysa TerKeurst and her team for offering this amazing chance to attend. To be honest, this is a little out of my comfort zone and I feel a bit giddy about it all.

But, I am going to keep trusting in the One who has led me this far and hold tightly to His hand... no matter what.

Obedience Matters

2009-03-23T09:33:00.010-04:00

I recently finished a book and have still been processing it along with some other things God has been speaking to me lately.

I have felt in a lot of ways, a very subtle, almost indiscernible shift in my heart.

It is something akin to closure, but also excitement about what is coming next.

It seems like maybe I am heading into a new season on my faith journey.

But as with all things new, it is fitting to reflect on the past,

where I have been,

what God has done.

Wow, what a long road it has been!

After years of wandering in the desert, I wonder if this is how the Israelites felt as they stood at the border of their promised land.

Did they look behind, at the "wasteland" and recognize God's hand?

Did they have a hollow fear in their stomachs wondering if He was really coming through this time?

Did they remember those who had gone before, who never got to see the fulfillment of the promise?

Did their souls mourn for the times when they doubted the One who provided for all their needs?

Did they realize yet, that there were still battles to be fought and existing cities to be conquered?

Did they know, that crossing into the land, wasn't the end of their story?

What I do know, is that God told Joshua no less than 3 times to

"...Be strong and (very) courageous." Joshua 1:6,7,9

Obviously, God knew that fear would play a part in this new journey and it touches me to know that the Father reaffirmed His commitment to never leave or forsake Joshua and that He would be with him wherever he went.

And I know that I can claim that promise now as well.

In his book, The Dream Giver, Bruce Wilkinson tells the story of Ordinary, who wakes up one morning with a Dream. The story continues as Ordinary sets off to find his Dream and encounters all kinds of obstacles, like, leaving his Comfort Zone, Border Bullies, the Wasteland and the Giants. Well, he eventually reaches his Dream and discovers it is much, much more than he ever imagined. The author uses this parable as a parallel to the Israelites journey into the promised land. He says, it "...reveals a pattern that is repeated throughout the Bible whenever God's people reach for their Dream and attempt great things for Him."

The book itself is very straight forward; I enjoyed reading Ordinary's journey, and I could appreciate the author's clever play on words. But, I found myself a little uncomfortable as Ordinary passed through the Wasteland. It hit a little too close to home for me.

And yesterday at church our sermon was titled

Secrets in Scary Places "The Desert".

Want to guess what that was all about?

I am so thankful for authors and pastors and teachers that can so clearly articulate the thoughts tumbling around in my heart. It gives me clarity and objectivity to hear someone else's words.

The title of my blog is more than just a witty little saying. It stems from a heart wounded because life didn't turn out as I had planned. I have been trying to figure out for a long time how to live with joy anyways. And that saying reminds me every time, that I get to choose joy even without "my plan."

You see, when I was much younger, I felt God's call on my life to serve Him full-time.

I knew that God was asking me if I would go.

And that began my journey to pursue medical missions. I began making plans as a high schooler-colleges, applications, churches. I ended up at a small bible college where I just knew, that I was in the center of His plan for my life.

Then, through a series of unrelated circumstances, all that unraveled.

I found myself a thousand miles away from that plan.

Smack dab in the middle of a secular university, rated nationally for it's party atmosphere.

Throw in a pot-smoking roommate, an abusive boyfriend and absolutely NO options to enter the nursing program, and you wanna talk about wastelands and deserts!? Boy. Oh. Boy...

I was mad at God.

And I stayed mad.

For years.

I can honestly say that although I never completely turned away,

I spent years not trusting Him the same way.

Wasted years.

Empty years.

Lonely years.

But also....LEARNING years.

I learned in yesterday's sermon that,

I have made some bad assumptions...

like God doesn't care,

or I'm being punished,

or I heard wrong.

I have wandered off...

and told God that I don't trust Him

and that His plan isn't what is best for me.

I have forgotten His goodness...

and allowed the day's trials to define that day's God.

I have been stubborn and selfish and devastated and crushed.

And I have allowed the enemy to keep me there.

In wandering my own wasteland, I have forgotten that God does nothing without purpose. I can quote chapter and verse on that. But living in the desert without surrendering to that purpose is incredibly difficult. And desolate. And dry.

BUT NOW I KNOW DIFFERENTLY SO I CAN LIVE DIFFERENTLY!

Bruce Wilkinson says it like this, "...the Wasteland happens for a good and important reason: It is an invaluable season of preparation. It is the place where God transforms you..."

David Smith (our pastor) says it this way, "Obedience matters!" How's that for a nutshell!

Regardless of why I am in the desert or how I got here, or how long I have been here, I know that through these last several months God has been gently whispering,

"Will you surrender to My plan?"

When I don't know what I am surrendering too,

I am reminded of a young girl,

who knelt in a small chapel

at a small church camp,

in a small town,

and promised her God she would GO!

It could have been to the ends of the earth, she said "Yes!"

She was fully persuaded by the One who had called her.

She knew she would never walk alone.

She was convinced that her obedience was a small price to pay.

That the gift of her life, laid down on that alter was all she had to give.

And she gave it willingly.

That was almost nineteen years ago...and that sweet 16 had no idea what would be asked, nor the price. But somewhere inside of me, that girl still lives. She has a passion for Jesus and a heart to serve.

And I am finding her again, after all this time and remembering- how to surrender,

how to trust Him without a predetermined outcome,

how to embrace the "wasted" years as years of preparation for what He has in store,

how to endure the desert until I am completely who He wants me to be.

Like the Israelites stood on the threshold, I stand here,

still not in my promised land,

but I know the One who promised. And I know that He keeps His Word even when I don't keep mine. And I know that in His eyes the "desert" doesn't define me. I am learning again that my obedience is all He asks of me. And that is enough. Bottom line.

Sorry, one's all ya get (for today)

2009-03-23T08:47:00.002-04:00

I did get to take some pictures yesterday, but I am making you wait until Friday to see those.

I will share this photo with you from St. Patrick's Day evening.

My neighbors parents have dressed up every year since 1987.

Aren't they cute?

And, in complete child reasoning,

They were so REAL LEPRECHAUNS!

ooopps!

2009-03-21T19:24:00.001-04:00

So sorry!

I was a little ambitious about my Flicker Fridays....I hope to get out and get some shots tomorrow, so stay tuned!

Casting....

2009-03-19T09:15:00.002-04:00

Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

I am hurt

and I am angry

and instead of venting all about here,

I am taking it to Jesus.

Luck O' the Irish and Some Dangly Earrings to Ya!

2009-03-17T08:58:00.008-04:00

Happy St. Paddy's Day, all ye Irish fellas!

That sneeky lil' leprechaun musta been causin' havoc last nigh because me household got up on thee wrong side o' the bed!

Grouchy lil' munchkins awoke me this mornin', and no amount o' promisin' for green shamrocks and pots of gold would do thee trick.

So, I had to reech inta me arsan al' and grab thee big guns...

Ahhh....dangly earrins make thee lass happy!

An' thee outfit isn' complete with o' the Shamrock Scrunchie!

So off I sent the happy lassie and her lil' bloke to school!

Smiles all a roun'

Erin go Bragh!

Now, I humbly ask your forgiveness for my poor Irish accent and Unedited photos!

And leave you with my favorite Irish prayer,

May God give you...

For every storm, a rainbow,

For every tear, a smile,

For every care, a promise,

And a blessing in each trial.

For every problem life sends,

A faithful friend to share,

For every sigh, a sweet song,

And an answer for each prayer.

SERIOUSLY!

2009-03-15T22:01:00.002-04:00

I just spent the better part of the day working on this new background,

AND...

someone else designed it!

I get so frustrated with how totally inept I am at all this technology!

I have a college degree FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Flicker Fridays

2009-03-13T09:30:00.001-04:00

I can't believe how quickly a week just flew by!

Here are a few from our recent trip to the park-an unofficial shoot...

Flicker Fridays

2009-03-06T07:15:00.001-05:00

In an attempt to umm... light a fire under my (ahem) butt, I am dedicating my Fridays here to my photography blog, Flickers of a Dream. I realize that I will never see this dream come true if I don't get out there and start shooting, so here I will share my latest photos.

In honor of our Birthday Girl, here are some of my very favorites...

Happy Birthday Avery!

2009-03-02T09:28:00.006-05:00

Well, it's official! My baby is 5 FIVE 5!

(Below is Avery's story, it's long, but I think it is worth it.)

It is hard to know where to begin her story, because we aren't quite sure when it began. I found out I was pregnant again during the loss of our second miscarriage. At first, we thought this might be a twin that survived the miscarriage, but the dates didn't match up. From the start, I did not measure the right size, always too small for how far along I was supposed to be. The doctors said that the ultrasounds didn't show the right amount of fluid and that the placenta was in the wrong place. We also didn't hear a heartbeat when we should have and so we prayed for the best... but feared for the worst.

Drew and I agreed that our family picture didn't look complete, but we also knew that if we lost this baby, we wouldn't try again.

I had a hard time being excited about this pregnancy. I was still trying to care for Reilly and Braeden who were 4 and 19 months, plus I had all day "morning" sickness. I look back on that time and wonder how I ever managed anything. (Little did I know that God was preparing me for what was to come.)

The pregnancy continued pretty normally, with lots of extra trips to the obstetrician and plenty of ultrasounds. We found out that she was a girl at 24 weeks and she finally measured closer to target, enough so that the doctors said I could stop worrying...but anyone who has lost a baby knows that there is NO comfort in that until your baby is safe in your arms.

She is the only one of my three babies who arrived before her due date. I had to be induced with all of them, but my doctor was traveling the week she was due, and after seeing my pleading face, agreed to induce me five days early-Yea! Her birth was very typical of my first two, easy and FAST! (Of course, after all the pitocin kicked in!)

And there she was!

Screaming her lungs out!

My little family of five became complete that day.

What followed her birth, was one of the hardest seasons of my life. I unknowingly spiraled into post partum depression. We had just bought our house, doubled our mortgage and lost my income. Avery had severe colic (honestly, this word seems so... inadequate) and gastric reflux. She couldn't keep anything down, was diagnosed with failure to thrive, and SCREAMED her head off EVERY moment she was awake!

I tell you all of this so that you know,

I felt robbed.

I adore newborns.

Anyone who knows me knows this. My friends all know that I am first in line when their new addition arrives. I have been known to walk up to strangers and admire their new precious bundle. I always go to the newborn nursery window whenever I visit the hospital. I secretly wish for the day that I can be one of those little old ladies who gets to rock the fussy ones.

But..................

I couldn't bond with my own child. My emotions were a constant roller coaster. I couldn't function. I can remember the familiar ache in the pit of my stomach that was always present in those days. I just didn't know how I would survive.

And I felt utterly and completely alone.

I tried to pray and God felt a million miles away. I begged for strength to get through another day, but barely felt as though my body was moving. Finally, after months of just breathing in and out and putting one foot in front of the other,

God broke through!

Only one other time in my life have I heard Him speak so clearly to me.

I awoke in the middle of the night, with a verse reference going over and over in my mind.

Isaiah 35:10, Isaiah 35:10, Isaiah 35:10.

I knew I wasn't going to sleep until I went and opened my Bible and read the words God wanted to speak to me that night.

"...They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away." (emphasis mine)

And that night,

I chose to believe HIM.

To take Him at His WORD!

I spent most of the rest of that night in complete humility as I recognized my Deliverer!

I don't think I could tell Avery's story without sharing that. I don't know if I could say the way I feel about her and have you understand unless you had some background.

Avery is my heart!

She has brought joy to me that I didn't know I could feel.

She makes me laugh.

She thrills me with her spirit.

I delight in her giggles and the twinkle in her eyes.

Of my three children, she is most like me.

She is sensitive and warm. She feels things deep in her heart. She loves hard.

And I am pretty sure, she got my love for babies!

I have had the most time to enjoy her. She has been home with me and had (almost) my undivided attention for the last two years, while brother and sister are at school. She is my errand partner, shopping buddy and best lunch date.

She's my baby.

My last baby.

And even now, I am all choked up and teary-eyed thinking about those dark months of her early life and knowing that when God promises restoration, He gives you back ten-fold.

I thank the Lord for you, my Bumpa! You are a reminder to me everyday of the Father's goodness. I am so grateful that He has allowed me to be your Mommy! My heart stretches and swells to love you more. I am so proud of you and know that you have amazing things ahead of you. I love you baby!

A picture is worth....A THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!

2009-02-25T10:03:00.008-05:00

Hooray for the time of year when everyone is filing taxes and expecting big returns and all the stores are offering rebate sales. That is unless you are self employed and pay your own taxes and you dread this time of year. Lucky for me, Drew's job and our three precious deductions offset my self employment tax so we usually file quickly as we often get a good refund.

This year we have been discussing how to be good stewards of that extra cash. We have a pretty long list of home renovations that we have been working on for over 6 years to bring our 1940s original owner craftsman, into the 2000s. (Isn't that weird to say?)

When we first bought the house the owner was in his late 80s and had stayed for our showing to point out all the remodeling they had done... in their lifetime. Naturally the updating they had done in the sixties didn't really impress us. Although the knotty pine and orange shag carpet that graced the entire second floor would have made the set designers of That 70s Show weep with authentic discovery! Anyways, we looked past all the wall paper and ancient window coverings to get some vision of what this house could be before we put in an offer.

But honestly, where in the world do you even begin to dream up some kind of wonderful for this....

Pause and really take it in for true effect.

Well, six years and lots of HGTV shows later, I FINALLY have a plan for this bathroom. I can see it my head and have priced most of it in reality. We can replace the toilet and vanity, sink and light/mirror combo for around $500. The rest is really just paint and 'extras'-my favorite. We also need to either re tile in the tub or get some kind of surround-thingy. I like staying with in a budget and $1000 was earmarked from the tax return to the bathroom. I was golden! I had this!

Until,

we started taking a Sunday School class at our church and they are teaching the Financial Peace University curriculum. The author strongly stresses the importance of an "Emergency Fund".

OK, that makes sense and everybody knows that, but honestly, we chewed up our (very meager) savings after I became a full-time stay at home mom. Well, in the words of my darling Husband, "It's time to start building that up again."

And my renovated bathroom dreams go swirling down that beigey-peach colored commode...

But wait, there is more to the story as the title says...

...no sooner had the deposit been made,

when the kids who had been playing in the basement family room started coming up the stairs with wet feet!

Ugh!

I went down to investigate and sure enough, we had a leak!

Well, we did what any two college educated people with no propensity towards plumbing would do...we paid $60 to have an "Authorized Service Technician" tell us that our water heater had rusted out.

And since that appliance had been replaced before the days of "drip pans" we had 40 gallons of water slowly leaking into our finished basement.

The good news is that the original estimate was $1400.

The bad news is that $915 later this is what my dream for a spa-like bath retreat looks like...

Back to saving, I guess.

Hmmmmm....

2009-02-25T09:45:00.013-05:00

So, I went out to run errands on Saturday.

Look what goes on when Mom is AWAY!

Let's look at the bright side, maybe Avery has a future in photography. Apparently, she likes still life...

However, the question begs to be asked, "How did she get my camera in the first place?"

Oh, now I see!

You don't want to miss it!

2009-02-18T07:00:00.001-05:00

I have posted before about how blogging has been such a great experience for me as I have enjoyed sharing this walk of life with so many of you who have shared honestly of your own journeys. Blogging has become this new community for me where I can share my own ups and downs and can be blessed by the prayers of those I have yet to meet and the encouragement of those who so willingly support me.

Since I am still kind of a newbie to all of this, I have been surprised about how much I look forward to catching up on your days. I LOVE people, but more than that, I LOVE connecting. Finding common ground with another person and sharing stories, learning from you and growing because of it.

One of my favorite blogs is Pearls and Grace . I was drawn to this blog first of all because I hadn't learned yet how to make my blog look "pretty" and this one was truly gorgeous. I felt like I was wandering around a boutique with fresh flowers and candles glowing, and beauty everywhere I looked.

And then I started reading and I was captivated by the author's conversational writing style. I felt like I was catching up with a friend. And as I read her words, I felt her heart.

She is a beautiful person with a beautiful family and a beautiful home and a beautiful BLOG (for heaven's sake!) and I started to feel like not only did I not measure up to that, but I wasn't sure that this wasn't one of those times when "if it looks to good to be true, it probably is..."

And I was hurting, reeling actually from a wound that is so old and familiar I can sometimes pretend that it isn't really there. But not on this day. I was doubting God's goodness, because life's circumstances had crept in and tried to tell me differently. Then I did something I hadn't done before. You see I'm not a confrontational person, in fact whatever the opposite of that is, multiply by like 10 or 623 and that's me. But I left an email for her. And I was bold. And I asked her if it was... real? And if it was, how did you get there? And can I get there from here?

And do you know what that precious pearl did? She got on her knees for me! She prayed over me and for me and then, then, she sent me back an email that will forever be a part of me. She blessed me! She spoke words of truth to me! She encouraged me and inspired me and pointed me back to Jesus' feet where I needed to be all along. I am still humbled by how willing she was to be His hands that night. I want to be that willing.

On March 1st, Sebi will share her story along with why she believes that the Father calls us all His pearls. If you are in or are going to be in the NYC/Tri-state area, you will want to be there!

You can find out more information at Pearls and Grace .

Sebi,

Thank you for being obedient to His voice, for openly sharing His love and for pointing people to Him along the way. You need to know that you are covered by your sisters with love and prayers! I believe that He will use you and this event to show His Glory!

"However as it is written, No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

Where I am...

2009-02-13T19:33:00.006-05:00

So I was just realizing that my February posts seem a little 'superficial'. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

But I am avoiding.

Dodging being vulnerable.

Hiding beneath the surface.

Averting honesty...

God has really been dealing with me on some heart issues.

Foundational stuff, that is admittedly,

shaking my core.

I decided long ago that status quo wasn't going to cut it for me when it came to Jesus.

I had to give 100%.

As I have walked this journey for 30+ years, my heart's cry has always been to know Him better, serve Him more, love Him deeper.

But perhaps, I haven't truly known how to do that.

Perhaps, I have relied more on my heritage than on Him.

Maybe I have banked my heart's desire as a substitute for authentic relationship.

What if I have loved the idea of Him more than I have loved the true person of Jesus Christ?

What if I have put my hope in His promises and not in Him?

He is really poking at me on some of this stuff...I am exploring with Him some things that I have held deeply to that He is asking me to release.

And you know what?

It is hard.

And. It. Hurts.

Remember when I told you that I wouldn't fill my posts with a bunch of Christian cliches?

I am not going to. I feel that I simply must be transparent. That I am in a season where the Father is stretching me and growing my character to be more like His and honestly, it simply is no FUN! And NO! I do not feel like dancing!

There is comfort in knowing that as I pursue deeper relationship with Him, He meets me there. There is trust built when I cry out to Him to change my heart and He shows up with his "pruning" shears.

There is hope in clinging to His Word when I can't hear His voice.

There is peace in His presence.

Doesn't mean it's easy, it just means that He's there.

And that's where I am...

The best new website out there...

2009-02-13T08:11:00.006-05:00

Well, it all started with BigMama and her Fashion Fridays. She introduced me to some new ways to wear my scarves. (Thank you!)

Then she started talking about the perfect pair of jeans...I got stuck! At only 5'1" and a little "rounder" in the middle than my days of yore, finding that perfect pair has been an elusive little game.

Never fear, armed with a tip from a friend and the google site, I found myshape.com. You are just not even gonna believe it! Here you can enter your personal style, favorite fabrics and brands and then after taking several of your personal measurements (I know it's horrifying! Yes my waist was once upon a time 24 inches too!) they tell you your "shape" and recommend clothing options for you! You can shop there(free shipping AND returns) or use their fashion advice to venture out on your own. I am telling you girls, you are gonna love it!

Disclaimer-you are going to need some help in taking accurate measurements, so grab your bff, get down to your skivvys and bust out the tape measure. If you measure incorrectly they won't be able to size you.

Confessions...

2009-02-08T10:01:00.003-05:00

I broke the rules.

I cheated.

I compromised.

Drew has been in Chicago this weekend. I have been home with the two youngest. Last night, I let Avery sleep with me, in my bed. It's no big deal, really. I mean, she is used to sleeping in the same room with Reilly and I am used to sharing my room too. So it made perfect sense that we should bunk up together.

When all my kids were babies, they slept next to me in their bassinets. And I admit, that sometimes after the mid-night feeding, I let them stay all snuggled up cozy and warm in my bed.

But at some point, with three kids under the age of five, we had to declare a new rule, lay down the law.

Everyone sleeps in their own bed.

I hadn't had a decent night's sleep in years.

Even with the Rule, someone was constantly waking me; drinks, trips to the potty, nightmares, illness.

Well, now it just seems like that was ages ago.

So when Avery asked if she could crawl in with me last night, I said, "Sure, baby!" She wanted to hold my hand while she fell back asleep. I woke up to her stroking my face this morning. She is the most loving of all my kids.

I realize that these moments are now slipping through my hands...that time doesn't stop or even slow down. It just keeps marching on, changing baby fingers into hands that can hold a pencil and write her name.

It feels like a chapter in my life is ending.

My babies are growing up.

I am going to take those moments, when Reilly still needs a kiss after a fall, or Braeden decides he isn't too big to crawl on my lap, or Avery wants to snuggle under the covers, I am going to take every delicious moment and savor the sweetness.

Because I am at the threshold. At almost 10, 7 and (gulp) 5, the times are changing. And it's not that I feel any less needed, it's that they surprise me with their quest for independence.

I am glad I broke the rules last night. Stolen moments.

And in the interest of full disclosure, I also had a bowl of FULL FAT, chocolate ice cream with 2(gasp!) brownies. I'm a rebel, y'all!

Wanna play a game?

2009-02-03T19:10:00.004-05:00

My friend Christy at Between Here and Home wrote a post about a game she played with another blogger which started with another blogger and her friend and maybe even before that.

Anyways, you get assigned a letter and have to write 10 things you love that begin with that letter. So, here is my list.

Truly Terrific Tally of "T"s

1. Tomatoes-the kind from your garden out back. I could eat them and nothing else for life.

I'm pretty sure.

2. Ten little brand new infant toes! With the scaly skin and wrinkled feet.

3. Talking, telling, sharing every precise detail of a story.

4. Turtles-the caramel pecan drenched in chocolate kind.

5. Twinkle in my husband's eye.

6. Time by myself. I truly LOVE people, but I have realized the importance of time spent alone, and I crave it!

7. Teacup sized puppies! I would love nothing more than to carry one around in my purse.

8. Trees changing color in the fall.

9. Tears-God's gift to us of letting the pain out.

10. Tired eyes, slowly drifting off to sleep, right before dreams take over and they can still communicate how much they love you.

Reilly has been standing here in the office with me and she wants to play too.

Her letter was "S"

Here it is folks, the raw, uncut, unedited version:

1. Spending time with my family

2. Singing

3. Spinning like crazy

4. Sapphire- the color and the stone, well the color basically.

5. Seeing things with my heart

6. Scholastic book orders

7. Spying

8. Spring

9. Snow leopard

10. Being a star

Reilly later went and rounded up the other two to assign them a letter. She is still working on Daddy.

Avery had the letter "M"

She thought of these with little help from sis. I interjected in blue.

1. Molly

2. Mommy (seriously, #2)

3. Mac and Cheese

4. Mizo the gorilla

5. Mazes

6. Merry-go-rounds

7. Mary-Kate (preschool friend, not Olsen twin)

8. Mrs. Smith

9. Maddie

10. Monkeys

Braeden had "D"

1. Dad

2. Drinking (ummm...uh-oh!)

3. Dilly-dallying

4. Dinging a doorbell

5. Dogs

6. Digging

7. Dirt

8. Dinosaurs

9. Dark green

10. D.S.

Okay, so with the exception of #2 which I presume he means partaking of the massive quantities of the only 2 liquids he drinks (water and chocolate milk) I think I am raising an honest to goodness BOY!

And last but not least Daddy has made the post complete with the letter "R"

1. Rock and Roll

2. Red potatoes

3. Reilly

4. Rockets

5. Roethlisburger

6. Ranch dressing

7. Raymond of Everybody Loves...

8. Raking leaves

9. Riding bikes

10. Rafting

Well, there you have it! What a fun Family Game night this turned out to be.

Identity Crisis

2009-02-02T12:28:00.002-05:00

My blog is having an identity crisis.

I have lots of thoughts for posts in my brain, but none of them are related in anyway.

I could tell you all about our crazy fun time at a friend's house on Friday.

I could tell you about how the Buffalo Chicken dip at the Superbowl might possibly taste better without the chicken.

I could tell you all about our sermon yesterday called, "Let's Grow Up" based out of Eph. 4:11-16.

I could tell you about how much I still need to learn to make my new mac feel like we are old friends. (I still don't think he likes me!)

Or, I could just cut and paste my 25 Random things about Me from my facebook page.

See, the thing is having a creative outlet, which is totally what MY BLOG is for me, makes you wonder if you are really creative afterall. I mean sure, I have some witty thoughts and occasionally some spiritual insights, but today, I don't know how to prioritize. Or organize-maybe I don't like words that end in i-z-e. Wait...ok there are some.

See, random.

Not one cohesive thought.

Maybe the vast amount of my readership should cast their vote.

Yeah, that's a good idea. You tell me what you wanna know, and I will post it.

This is feeling very Field of Dreams, yeah?

Snow Day!

2009-01-27T11:59:00.019-05:00

Today is our second Snow Day of the season.

Where I grew up in Pennsylvania, the average snowfall per year is 117 inches!

Yet, somehow I don't remember snow days as a kid.

Sure, we had the first day of hunting season off, but that is another post, for another time.

(O.k. let's face it-and another girl. I will not post about game animals!)

Last Friday was our first snow day. School here was cancelled due to extreme temperatures. And by extreme, I mean minus 7 degrees! Since our elementary schools are all called "neighborhood schools" (and that is just a nostalgic way to say that we have no busing) no one wants the little walkers to arrive at school with less toes than God gave them.

I had no choice but to spend this day with my kids and we had all sorts of fun!

Not afraid of the well below freezing temperatures, alas, I had dug to the back of our cedar closet and found my trusted down parka from the PA days gone by, I bundled up the kids and quickly snapped their photos for my new blog header.

Please understand how dedicated I am to you, my readers, that I would go to the lengths of finding 6 boots, 6 mittens, 3 scarves, 3 snow pants and 3 jackets, bundle them all up and herd them back in after 3 minutes! Just so you could look at a pretty new snowflake theme.

You are welcome.

This is how we spent the rest of our day. After coming inside and using the next 20 minutes making, serving and cleaning up hot cocoa, we finally defrosted. I decided we needed a baking project. I looked through my pantry and found all the ingredients for a chocolate cake.

And chocolate icing, Yummers!

So after the cakes cooled and I trimmed a little off the tops (any of you bakers out there who can fill me on the secret to not getting the cake all puffed up in the middle, please comment me with your secrets, pretty please!!) we started the recipe for the frosting.

Of course I had my helpers/lickers. I don't know where Braeden was, he didn't get any of the cocoa goodness before it went on the cake.

Ahhhhh the cake

Don't forget the worst part of any baking endeavor....

I really wish I had the blog savvy to make this picture spin and twirl while the sound from the Psycho movie plays EEEEEEEEEeeeeEEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeeee! But techno gifted, I am not!

We finished up our day playing the game of LIFE.

It was their first time to play and I had fun watching the kids learn the life lessons about college debt and the importance of home owner's insurance. Oh, and the unexpected birth of babies!

So now it is after 5 pm on our second snow day. The kids have played outside, visited with neighbors, had cocoa, watched a movie, gone sledding and helped me make Baked Potato Soup.

Sorry, no pictures of our day today.

They have predicted another storm for tomorrow, so maybe we will just do something off the wall crazy for our third snow day.

Till then........................Stay warm!

Stoggers!

2009-01-19T08:00:00.001-05:00

Stoggers,

you know,

Blog Stalkers?

Stoggers!

Are you one of them?

You know who you are. You go to a blog and scroll through the blog roll or the comments and see an interesting photo or name.... or really cute haircut;) So you click on that blogger and you go read all about them and the interesting things they have to say and then you.....

.......LEAVE without commenting or find another blogger to stalk!

Well, since you blog friends haven't even seen my Christmas pictures you can probably conclude, and rightly so, that I am a procrastinator. I do have a pretty good post of New Year's Resolutions and 2008 In Review. But you won't see those because they aren't written yet. However, one of my resolutions was to stop stogging!

You caught me! I do it. And.....

I like it!

I love reading all about someone else's day, their triumphs, their frustrations. Oh no! I just realized, it's like reading someone else's diary!!! I'm my MOTHER!!!

I have to say though, I am not ashamed. In stogging blogville, I have come across
people who have faced incredible sadness,
people who are living with incredible faith,
those who are pointing people to Jesus with their words,
those whe encourage me to see God where I least expect to,
to praise Him even when it is raining,
to love the gift that is my life,
to treasure my children,
to truly love my husband.

And for all that 'soul food', I also enjoy
some awesome down home southern recipes,
really cool Martha Stewart-eat-your-heart-out crafts,
a really funny Rockstar,
and some FREE downloads from my favorite Dove Award Winner.

But here is what I am really thinking: it is kind of a short-cut to relationships. We are being lazy and one-sided. We get to have some 'need' met without offering anything of ourselves or even letting the other person know we were inspired or enriched.

I left my first comment on a blogger I didn't know just the first of this year. And it probably doesn't count because I know her husband in real life. But I had been reading her posts and she had been an encouragement to me. So, I left a comment and introduced myself.

P.S. (Nice to "meet" you Courtney!)

So if you are stogging me, and read my blog, stop and say HELLO!

Just let me know who you are.

"Getting to know you, getting to know all about you"...Sorry sometimes I break out in song! Reilly and I like to say, "Life is a Musical, sing your heart out!"

Anyway.................

I have resolved to make an effort and reach out in relationship.

I will be leaving comments on your blog.

I will be showing the love.

Some people think you can't make friends with people OUT there

...umm, hello! People are getting married that meet online!!

I'm just saying.

I'm not getting down on my knees or anything.

Let's just be Friends, k?

His Great Love

2009-01-16T09:52:00.007-05:00

Subtitle: Lesson Two

To start at the beginning, see post titled, I'm Back.

Another thing that God has been teaching me is how great is His Love for me. When I was little, I remember often wondering why God couldn't just reach down and hold my hand or give me a hug. I can remember just wanting some tangible way to know that He was there, in a physical sense. As I have gotten older, I have learned that God does give hugs, and holds my hand, and even sends me flowers to let me know He is thinking of me.

It has been through the true, unconditional love of another.

The friend that without reason, grabs me in a bear hug and says, "I think you are great!" Just so happens to be on a day, in a moment when I am, in fact, feeling pretty lousy about myself.

And the friend that visited me in the hospital and held my hand and said, "Your hands are so dry, baby." Then applied lotion with such tenderness, I felt as if Jesus himself were washing my feet.

And the friends that during my recovery, came to fetch my kids for play dates. Then proceeded to spoil them, with fun activities, and trips to the movie theatre and indoor pool. Just so my kids didn't have to stay home with Mommy on the sofa. I was blessed with rest that only comes when the house is quiet.

Practically speaking, I had over 15 friends and neighbors who provided my family with meals for almost 3 weeks. All served with such thoughtfulness to us. And might I add, my friends can cook! I'm talking Paula Deen recipes, homemade bread, casseroles with my kids in mind and even make your own pizza night. Did I mention the desserts?!!

In all of this, in a way like never before, I recognized God's love for me. People reaching out in a time of need and being His hands and feet. People eager to help in whatever way I needed.

I am very aware that I am blessed beyond measure to have the friends that I do. Sisters who love me and support me and accept me and show me in a very physical way, what lengths the Father will go to to show me that I am LOVED!

To you Friends, who have carried me during this time-

Some I have known and loved for years,

others are new friends with beautiful hearts that I am just starting to know.

Some of you are friends near and some of you are far away, but I know that you are there.

You have been a life line for me.

You have prayed for me and with me.

You have seen me and have helped me to see myself.

You have loved me and in loving me you have pushed me right into His arms!

Right into the Embrace that holds my spirit and comforts my soul.

Thank you dear friends. I love and appreciate each of you in ways that words cannot describe.

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

You are my friends if you do what I command."

John 15:12-14

I am coming back, I promise!!

2009-01-15T23:17:00.000-05:00

WACKY WEDNESDAY!!!!

2009-01-07T08:25:00.004-05:00

It is Wacky Wednesday today at Preschool.

Avery got herself dressed this morning. She choose PJ pants and a shirt turned inside out. She completed her ensemble with one grey sock and one pink sock, one sneaker and one leopard print Mary Jane.

Of course, Mommy was happy to do hair and make-up!

Here she is admiring herself in PhotoBooth.

Lesson One

2008-12-28T19:04:00.005-05:00

After I met with the oncologist in late September, I had a lot on my mind. A lot to think through. Because my Mom is a two time cancer survivor (Go Ma!), I felt like I had a pretty good handle on cancer. When my estranged biological father died from cancer in 2001, I felt like in the back of my mind it was just confirmation of what I already knew.

Someday,
One day,
I would get a diagnosis of my own.

And for that reason, I wasn't scared. It's kind of hard to explain...maybe on some subconscious level I was expecting it and it didn't catch me off guard. Until......

I saw a billboard that forced me to stop looking at cancer as a daughter and start dealing with it as a mother. And that instilled a FEAR in me like I have never known.

It was almost a physical ache that took my breath away...

The billboard said

"WHOEVER SAID WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING NEVER HAD TO FIGHT CANCER."

I don't know if this struck me because it was the first time I had seen the word in print since my doctor's phone call or if suddenly those memories of growing up with an ill parent finally shifted into perspective for me as an adult. I still don't know. I just knew this gripping fear, thinking about all the things I wanted for my kids and my family and the possibility of me not being there.

I can remember as a young teenager praying my mom would survive long enough to be there to help me get ready for the prom, and to see me graduate from high school. She made those milestones with me and even helped me through my first broken heart.

When I was a freshman in college, she got really sick again and I was several hundred miles away...I transferred schools to be closer to home and help care for her.

I then remember hoping it wasn't asking too much of God for her to make it to my wedding day. She was sick and probably felt miserable but she was there.

I remember bargaining again with God, hoping she could hold my first baby. She has been around to hold all three.

Looking back, I realized that my biggest fear as a child was losing my mom. I couldn't bear to pass that fear onto my own children. What child should have to lose her mother?

Let me tell you also that at this time, I knew my prognosis was great. It was never delivered to me as life threatening. I was never told that I had X amount of time left. There was no reason for me to worry that I wouldn't "beat" this.

I agree, it was completely irrational.

And no matter how I tried to talk myself out of it, the FEAR was still there.

So I did the only thing I could do.

I brought it to Jesus.

And that is when I learned Lesson One.

Romans 8:15
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of son ship. And by him, we cry, "Abba, Father."

For some reason this may seem complicated and out of context, but the Spirit spoke directly to my heart and revealed something to me that by now may seem blatantly obvious to you.

At the beginning of this post, I talked about my estranged father. He chose to not be a part of my life when I was only four years old. Undoubtedly, I grew up with some abandonment issues. The thought of also losing my mother just about paralyzed me.

Although, as a child I couldn't put a name to it, the feeling was the same. God was showing me how I had always been afraid, and not just of losing my parents, but lots of things, things that still scare me today, like failing, and not being good enough.

He gently reminded me that He is my Father. And what little girl doesn't want her Daddy when she is frightened? I simply spilled out my fears and worries to Him in that "Father" context. Not with the right words, or the Christian lingo, just simply an outpouring of my heart.
Blubbery and all!

And you know what, He met me there. In the irrationality of it all. Some old wound from childhood that I didn't even know I had.

And as I find more and more as I open up His Word to hear what He wants to say to me, I find treasures. Nuggets of pure gold. Verses memorized as a child that now sink into my bones when added to my life's experiences. I've said it over and over these past few weeks, when fear (even if it is just that darn I.V. needle) tries to creep in...

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27

And you know what? It's true. There is a peace that can't be defined, that calms the spirit and settles the soul. I hope you get the chance to know it and let Him call you "Daughter" too.

I'm Back

2008-12-28T18:01:00.005-05:00

Wow! I can't believe how long I have been away! What I miss most of all is the journaling aspect of blogging...

Chronicling my life, my journey, my thoughts. Writing is such an outlet for me. To put down in black and white what is in my heart and on my mind. Then getting to read it and analyze (...OK, sometimes over analyze) where I am at.

Well, I have a lot of thoughts that I want to share...

In an effort to not jump around all over the place, I will start with where I left off.

We visited Pennsylvania in late November and somewhere between then and the first week of December, my kids picked up a stomach virus. It started off as expected, making its way through our family. However, after it hit Drew for the final wrap-up, it struck again back at the beginning with Reilly, and then myself and then Avery. Thankfully, the boys were spared from Round Two. So with several days of missed school and work, and a Snow Day, my schedule, well routine anyway, was thrown off. Big Time! I know those of you who know me, know me not to be a scheduled, routine kind of gal...But this unexpected illness that hung around for nearly a month changed a lot of things.

Simple things-like dinner- instead of Enchilada Casserole, I had to scrounge through the freezer for leftover Popsies from the summer and the back of the pantry for Saltines.
Like laundry- In addition to the 8 loads per week, I was washing towels and bed sheets daily. Like cleaning- scrubbing 3 toilets multiple times per day and sanitizing any surface I could.
Like carpools-My carpools for both schools fell apart because I didn't want my kids exposing anyone.
That had to be balanced with risking the necessity of a trip to the grocery store with picking up someone else's germs. Rough times. Oh, did I mention I got it TWICE!!!!?

So that pretty much sums up the first three weeks of December for me.

What some of you may not know is that I was balancing all that with an impending surgery on the 22nd.

At my last annual physical, my doctor did a routine test that uncovered some cancerous cells in my uterus. Although, still contained and not spreading, my initial diagnosis was pretty lousy.

After meeting with my oncologist she gave me three options.
Option 1 Have a total hysterectomy, including ovary removal, and go into immediate menopause.
Option 2 Have a total hysterectomy, including ovary removal, and go onto hormone replacement therapy with the understanding of increased risk because of my mother's breast cancer history.
Option 3 Have a hysterectomy, keep my ovaries and start taking chemo to shut down the functioning of the ovaries.

Like I said, pretty lousy options, huh? I just turned 34! I don't want to go through menopause! I don't want to take drugs that increase my already high risk for breast cancer and I certainly don't want to take chemotherapy!

This was just the beginning of a new journey I am going on with Jesus. If you would like to follow along, I will keep you posted.

There have been lots of twists and turns on this journey. We have traveled back through time in remembering my childhood. In reliving some memories of growing up with a parent who suffered with cancer. We have looked ahead to a future of promise. There have been highs and lows. And like all journeys, the lessons are in getting there, not necessarily arriving.

Stay tuned, Lesson One tomorrow.....

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalms 73:26

YUCKO!

2008-12-10T23:00:00.002-05:00

So I know I have like three readers out there.

I promise I am not neglecting you....

Since last Wednesday, all three of my kids have been sick on different nights.

I got sick on Friday, Braeden is finishing out tonight with a bang! Drew hasn't been hit yet but we are hoping for a clean sweep!

It's nasty...makes you wonder if you can reach the tub while you are on the toilet. Catch my drift??

So, while I miss my blog world, and yes, even have some new pictures to post, I am busy.

Lysol, Clorox wipes, water hot enough to scald your skin off, LAUNDRY!

If only there were more hours in the day....

Happy Birthday Braeden!

2008-11-22T10:38:00.020-05:00

(Well, his birthday was actually on Thursday, but I wanted to wait until we had his party so I could post some photos too.)

I can't believe my precious baby boy is SEVEN!

Braeden, you are the baby I prayed the hardest for.

Shortly before we found out we were expecting you, we lost a baby. We had already seen this little one on the ultrasound and heard that miraculous heartbeat. But sometime in the fourth month, that sweet baby went back to be with Jesus. It devastated us. But I knew immediately that I could open my heart again to love another baby, and within 2 months we learned you were on the way!

I was very scared and nervous the whole time I was pregnant with you and that forced me to depend on God and His will for your life.
It has amazed me to see how from those very early moments, He has always walked especially close to you. You asked Jesus in your heart when you were 5 years old. You have always asked me questions, and are so open to see God in the everyday moments. I got to pray with you that night in your bed, do you remember?

I am so proud of the boy you are becoming. I am so glad I get to be your Mommy. You know how special you are to me because you are my only son, the only boy in between two sisters. I love how you love our family. You always thank God for all of us in your prayers, even if those two sisters haven't been kind to you.

These are the things I like best about you:

You are thoughtful. You think of others' feelings and care when they get hurt.

You are sensitive, you can sense when someone is having a hard day and you go out of your way to be helpful and kind.

You are a good friend, you love spending time with other boys (which I know you never seem to get your turn amidst all the girls around you!)

You notice beautiful things and appreciate God's creation. You are always the first to say thank you and I know you are sincere in your gratitude.

Daddy says he likes how you always want things to be fair...it is easy for you to see how everyone deserves a chance. You hate it when someone gets punished unfairly and you have even offered to take your sisters' spankings...

(as Aunt Lori would say)

Bless your little bonies!

You are such a wonderful little boy. You love your Legos, Nintendo DS, and your new Wall-e movie! You HATE vegetables, you will only eat applesauce for a fruit, you LOVE nachos, (especially when Daddy takes you to a WSU game) and chocolate milk. Your best friend is Luke, you can't wait to go visit your 'cousins' for Thanksgiving, and you say you love Jesus best of all.

We pray that you will always love Him best of all. Don't ever lose your heart for God, Braeden. Be strong in Him!

We love you so much! You bring so much goodness and happiness to our family. We hope this next year brings you as much joy and blessing as you give Daddy and me.

and hopefully, those two front teeth will grow in soon!

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God...Colossians 1:9-10

Recovery

2008-11-17T08:56:00.004-05:00

Alright, I seem to have recovered from last week's emotional roller coaster ride.

Anytime I take my eyes off of Jesus, anytime when I am not grounded in His Word, anytime I allow the circumstances of life to get in the way of my journey, I can prepare myself for the ride.

This is a hard lesson for me.
You know how people talk about whether or not you make decisions with your heart or your head?
Well, I'm a heart girl. There is just no getting around it! I feel things! The highs are high and the lows are low. I react almost always based on how I feel. And here is what God is teaching me right now.

I know this is how God made me and I accept that as His perfect design, but I also believe that He wants to develop in me some other traits. You see, for as long as I can remember, I have had a heart for God. I have wanted to do the right thing, wanted to be obedient to Him, wanted to please Him, wanted to love Him well. I don't think that is from myself. I think it is a gift He has given me. The funny thing is the Bible says "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jer. 17:9

I am learning that, when my heart can't be trusted, when my feelings can't be trusted, I have to have a back up!
This is why Jesus said in Matthew "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." (22:37-38)

It's not enough to love Him with my whole heart, if I neglect to love him with my soul and mind. I think this is really relevant today because so many people, yes even Christian people, have a love for God. We say we believe, but in the instant our circumstances don't line up with what we want, we start to question His love for us. Which in turn makes us question our love for Him.

But if we remember that we can't always trust our feelings,then we can use our brains to make sense of how God wants to use our circumstances to grow us, then maybe our souls would be satisfied in Him.

I don't just want a heart knowledge of God. I will say that while in my heart He speaks the most intimately to me and I cherish that...I want to know Him more. I want to be satisfied in my deepest parts with Him. I want to learn new things about Him and who He is. I want a head knowledge that kicks in when my heart gives out. I believe this is just part of going to a deeper place with Him and I am ready for that.

Ready to not be so emotional all the time.
Ready to think first, and respond instead of just reacting all the time.
Ready to gain wisdom.
Ready to get understanding.
Ready to be made new in the attitude of my mind.

My son, if you accept my words

and store up my commands within you,

turning your ear to wisdom

and applying your heart to understanding,

and if you call out for insight

and cry aloud for understanding

and if you look for it as silver

and search for it as hidden treasure,

then you will understand the fear of the Lord

and find the knowledge of God.

For the Lord gives wisdom

and from His mouth come knowledge

and understanding.

Proverbs 2:1-6

Failure

2008-11-13T08:11:00.002-05:00

Ummm....yesterday was a really hard day. I am struggling even now with whether or not to remove yesterday's post. Because along with all the other things that scare me, I hate to see weakness in myself. Being vulnerable is scary. It opens me up to someone else's judgement. And I don't know if I can handle that right now.

I had a lot of dialouge with God yesterday, and as always, He meets me where I am, right in the middle of the hurt. I am always amazed at how just inviting Him into the pain makes it a little more bearable. Maybe, it is just because then my perspective has to change. Instead of feeling selfish and only thinking of myself; in worship, my focus shifts to Him and I can look beyond myself to His plan.

Which, by the way, I do not understand nor does it make any sense to me.

But I have to remember what I believe to be true about who God is.

God is Love.

Someone once said, that nothing can touch me that hasn't passed through His hands first.

Do I really believe that?
Do I really believe that whatever the Father allows in my life is for my good?
For my growth?
For my character?
Because He loves me?

Yes, I do believe that, but on days like yesterday, I need to be reminded. I need to remember that while I don't always feel like it at the time, it doesn't make it any less

TRUE!

And thank goodness for that.

P. S. I did fail at my Love Dare. Obviously, I have some issues that I need to work out with Jesus before I can show true, sincere kindness to Drew. But the thing that He is showing me (long hand) is that I have been doing the 'Love Dare' for a long time, I've just been doing it in my own strength. And that was never the point. I am learning that only through Christ's strength, can I love my husband the way God wants me to. When I am motivated by His character and filled with the same power that raised Him from the dead, then...I can succeed. Right now, I am sitting at His feet, still learning....

Brothers(sisters), I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phil. 3:13,14

Day...err, Week Two

2008-11-12T08:14:00.004-05:00

Ok, for those of you who think I have forgotten my Love Dare;

Let me explain...

When I started last Monday, I had forgotten that on Wednesday, Drew was leaving to go out of town for several days . So, I had to put it on hold. While juggling the kids and their schoolwork and extra activities with him being gone, it took me a few days to recover once he did get home. But now I figure it is a good time to continue where I left off.

Day Two

Love is Kind

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Hmmm.... I am going to need to think about that for a few minutes. Today is Wednesday, so when Drew gets home from work, I will be trying to get the kids dinner quickly before we all head off to our Wed. night activities. Drew will take Braeden and I will take the girls, we will meet up again around 7 p.m. for Small Group and then get home around 9 pm, put the kids to bed, finish cleaning up dinner, make sure everything is ready for the next day, then maybe if we are both still awake, have a chance to connect. WHEW!

So what can I do today, during the day that will make his life easier when he gets home????

I could press his clothes for tomorrow.
I could make him his favorite cookies.
I could rake the leaves.
I could write him a letter.

....here is the dose of reality. Here we are, only on Day Two, and I am feeling like I could use some kindness. I know I said that I was commited to sticking with this, but I don't always want to be the one making the investment in our relationship.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of putting myself out there and getting hurt.

I am afraid that showing kindness opens the door to forgiveness.

WOW!!! That truth smacks me in the face!

I don't want to forgive. I don't want to let go of all the years of hurt. It isn't fair to just wipe the slate clean. I'm NOT ready...why is it always me?

Because I have loved you with an everlasting love.
Because you are mine, you were bought with a price.
Because I have forgiven you.
Because in forgiving, you release him to me.
You allow me to bind up your broken heart.
You let me HEAL you!
You will find freedom in forgivness and in showing kindness you show your love for me.

Even when it is the right thing to do, even when God confirms it to you, it isn't easy when it costs something. Pray for me today. I'm struggling with this one.

As promised...

2008-11-03T07:30:00.007-05:00

It is just a little unassuming book...

It was featured in the movie FIREPROOF starring Kirk Cameron.

"The Love Dare is a 40 day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love. Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, The Love Dare is a journey you need to take. It's time to learn the keys to finding true intimacy and developing a dynamic marriage. Take the dare!"

I am unsure of where my marriage falls on that scale, but I do know that for as far as we have come, we still have a long way to go.
My husband and I saw the movie a few weeks ago...it has opened the door for a lot of conversation since then.

Before I say anything else, I want to give a disclaimer. If you know me, you know that I don't usually preface something I am going to say, but in this case I feel like I must.

*A lot of my disillusions in life have come from within my marriage. I was very young and very naive and had extremely unrealistic expectations of my husband. While I have spent a lot of time blaming Drew for my unhappiness, I am just now starting to see how God wants me to submit to His will and to be changed through this relationship. I need to be honest about that, however, I also want to always give Drew the respect he deserves and never dishonor him by the things that I share. So, if I seem vague, it is for the protection of our relationship.

I want to be honest in sharing with you where I am at, because I know sometimes just knowing someone else is going through the same thing can give you the strength to keep persevering.

BUT, this is my Love Dare! I will give you a window into the challenge from my perspective.

So if you are up for the journey with me.................

Day One

Love is Patient

Resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all.

I will check back at the end of the day to let you know how I did.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2

Okay, so now it is Wednesday!

For some reason the above verse did not show up except as a little green swirl...

glad you can see it now.

Well, Monday was a very busy and hectic day, but the time that I did spend with Drew, I didn't say anything negative and also, went a step further to not think any negative thoughts towards him.

Now, before you think I am tooting my own horn, I will say that it is always fairly easy to love someone when they are being lovable. It's harder when being patient comes with the price of sacrificing your own wants and needs. So while I completed the Love Dare for today, it didn't cost me anything.

However, maybe the book starts off easy so you can stick with in when it does demand a price!

I'll keep you posted.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T07:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, here is a hint....

Can you guess what my kids were for Halloween?

You might have guessed "Lion" but Avery was a...

Kitty

Braeden was a toothless...

Pirate

And Reilly was a bespectacled...

Fairy

We don't actually give out prizes but don't you think these guys costumes are awesome!?

Oopps! Okay, maybe you really had to be there. Or.................

see it in the dark!

Isn't that COOL?? Just a couple of hoodies, some black sweats and a ton of Glo-sticks! You should have seen them walking down the street. They were a hit!

We had a great time visiting with the Corbitt's (with an 'i'). Bets and I sat around the fire pit while the Dads walked the neighborhood.

The kids came back with WAAAAAAY more candy than I am comfortable keeping in the house. It's just that time of year...binging on candy until the bird does you in and then cookies and candies of all varieties, next comes that Yard-O-Beef that finally puts you into the next jeans size. We just can't have that!

So, while the kids are at school, I will be carefully selecting the most valuable of chocolates, while the rest gets packed up and sent to work with Drew.

Your welcome, Wright State Fitness students!

Now get back on that treadmill!

It's all marketing!

An old friend...

2008-10-30T08:43:00.006-04:00

For those of you who don't know, I am an avid reader. I read everything. I have always loved a good book. From the time I learned to blend letters together to make sounds, I have been devouring books. Trips to the library are frequent in our house and although the kids think it is all about them, it is secretly a quest for me to find my next great story. I love books!

One of my chores as a child was to straighten and dust the bookshelf in our family's living room. (It was one of my favorite chores.) I think my mom finally wised up to the fact that I was doing more reading in that corner than any cleaning. Especially when a 5 minute job found me in the exact same spot 2 hours later. I was always discovering a new book back there or falling in love again with an old favorite.

This book was a favorite. It is a Bible story book with modern applications. I loved the stories of Mini Muffin and her family. I identified with that little blondie with her dab of spunk and hefty dose of "I know more than my big brother!". I have fond memories of that book. I couldn't remember the title, just the characters. Well, thank you very much to the Google company, you can find pretty much anything with the smallest bit of information.

It is called Under the Tagalong Tree. I found it at Amazon. I wished my parents would have kept our original copy. But after they raised 5 children, I am sure they were ready to claim back some much needed space.

The one thing I remembered about this book was how it made the Bible stories I had learned and knew so well become relevant to my nine year old world. Here is what the inside of the book says...

"Each child has some special place where stories build a bridge between fantasy and reality, yesterday and today, a world that was in Bible times and the world that is along Main Street. You, the parent or teacher, may remember such a place from your childhood where Mother, Father, or teacher whisked you away to magic kingdoms through stories. It may have been a fluffy rug where you sat to listen or a big chair where Mother or Father read to you. Or it may have been your own certain place.

The Tagalong Tree is that kind of place, and those who sit under it may enter the exciting world of stories, both then and now....The Bible stories are retold from the Scriptures, so you may wish to use the Bible itself as your children share in the adventures of this volume."

And from the back of the book...

"Let Maxi and Mini Muffin help your child better understand Bible truths. Each Bible story is matched by a Muffin family incident that makes biblical truth come alive for today's child."

As a parent, struggling to pass on Biblical values in a society that has so watered down the truth, I need this book. Morals that I don't remember being taught at home, just somehow implied and followed, make it seem like it was so much easier for my parents. I have to actually make an effort to name and describe the values I expect from my kids. Things like kindness and self-control and responsibility. Things that seem so easy, but as I try to ingrain these in my children, it's like I am speaking another language.

So I will give this book to my children as a gift. Hoping that they can laugh with the Muffins and learn from their stories. That somehow in their cartoon world, my kids will hear reinforcement of what we are trying to teach them. Hoping they can enjoy and love these truths like I once did. That somehow a different approach, a different angle may reach them in a way that I can't. That somehow a story may abide in their hearts long after the last chapter of childhood comes to close.

But for now, I think I may need to go "dust".

**********************************************

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strengh. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. Duet. 6:5-9

Announcing......(drumroll, please)

2008-10-29T11:41:00.001-04:00

Go check it out...

http://flickersofadream.blogspot.com

I haven't figured out yet how to link them together.

Flower Therapy

2008-10-24T13:29:00.003-04:00

It has been a long week. I need to dust off my dancin' shoes!

Did you ever just have a few days in a row where you just felt blah?

Nothing major happened, no big family issues, no sickness. I have just been tired, and feeling a little blue. It is rainy here today and I am accepting it as a gift.

(Does that make me an Eeyore? I sooooo don't want to be an Eeyore!)

Anyways, I went to DLM last night. It is closer than Kroger and you can get in and out and home in under 15 minutes, which at dinner time trumps the higher prices. There is a old fashioned gate elevator in the back, ya know, the kind where you can see the empty shaft all the way to the ground because it simply has a slatted gate across the entrance? The kids love it! It is right near the floral department, and there were some Halloween decorations right near it, so they thought it looked especially spooky. I am not usually in that area and to my surprise they had their roses on sale. $7.99 per dozen.

Drew and I have an understanding. His parents have owned a flower shop since before he was born. You would think that through our courting I would have been showered with all kinds of posies. But for some reason when you grow up in and around them, flowers are commonplace. Nothing special, see 'em everyday. Our understanding is that whenever I am feeling like I need a little perk, I am allowed to treat myself to flowers, with his blessing of course. Well, combine that with my love of a good bargain and guess what I came home with?

Aren't they gorgeous? I am usually a cream roses kind of gal, but these are just so fall! I love the splash of colors mimicking the changing of the leaves outside. How better to lift your spirits for less than 8 dollars and 0 calories?? I DID pass up the Killer Brownies, by the way!

P.S. In all fairness to my in-laws and husband for their lack of affection of all things floral, they did go all out for our wedding! It was a beautiful display of what I wanted and people still mention how the church smelled that day of my sweet gardenias.

How the week flies by............

2008-10-18T21:23:00.008-04:00

I can't believe I haven't posted all week! I have actually been composing 2 other posts in my head, waiting to get back to the computer and the week just flew right by without asking me what my plans were.

We just returned home from Indianapolis, where we spent the last 2 days making memories with the kids and investing in our family. (That is how I have to look at it, because otherwise, we would never go do fun things because the finances would get in the way.) We have been saving up for this weekend and it was so worth it!
We went to the Indianapolis Children's Museum and the Indianapolis Zoo. Our kids kept calling it 'vacation' even though we only stayed over one night. We left early Friday morning and arrived at the museum around 10 am. The girls immediately saw this sign................

They decided "The Haunted House" would be first on the list. Of course, Braeden, my sensitive child, says, "No Way! I am not doing THAT! Remember when you made me do the Tower of Terror at Disney World!" He was afraid that every other ride at all the parks would suddenly drop him, screaming into oblivion!

So, Drew took the girls and Brae and I explored the Lego town. Which had over 200 million pieces, by the way! Who counts those???!

There was so much to do and see. Both Drew's and my favorite exhibit was the "Children who made a difference." It was the stories of Anne Frank, Ruby Bridges and Ryan White. We weren't sure how much of the content to share with them, especially Avery, (she's 4) but you can never start to early teaching your children about discrimination. We wanted them to understand what it would feel like to be treated differently, even killed because someone else decided you were less valuable because of your religion or race or health. At the end,the kids all went into The Promise Tree and made promises about how they would treat other people. We are trying to get them to practice with each other. (Parenting can be so hard!)

We finished up the museum by walking in the parade. (Reilly said this was her favorite part of the whole trip!) We went back to the hotel, waited forever to have pizza delivered and then let the kids play in the pool until bedtime.
Does anyone have any suggestions for getting 3 kids to sleep in a hotel room when you aren't ready to shut off all the lights and go to bed yourself?! Help!
After breakfast we headed over to the Zoo. We got there just a little after they opened so we had almost the whole place to ourselves for about 90 minutes. They all got to do something new....

TOUCH A SHARK!

Sorry, the picture is a little blurry, but it is the only one I got of all the kids together. Isn't that great! They said it felt like smooth jello-haha!

We left the zoo around lunchtime and walked around downtown Indy. It is a beautiful city, so clean and well maintained. We walked through the mall and I reminisced about having dinner with girlfriends during a Beth Moore conference. We had lunch at a restaurant with a revolving door (Rei's 2nd favorite thing). We ended up back at the zoo just as their Halloween ZooBoo was starting so the kids went around to different animals and trick or treated. How fun!

It was a great weekend. I know the kids had a blast and Drew and I were happy to get away from the daily grind and just enjoy our family. We needed that.......................oh,

and I finally got a picture for my blog!

Weekend Update

2008-10-13T11:12:00.006-04:00

Wow! We had a really busy weekend.

On Friday night, we visited with some friends. We love hanging out with Dan and Janie. Janie put out some great appetizers, we ordered pizza and finished it off with some treats from DLM. Yummers! Those stinkin' chocolate dunked Killer Brownies cost me an extra mile on Saturday!

Janie and I met 5 years ago at the school waiting for our daughters to walk out of their first day of kindergarten. She had a baby girl in a pumpkin seat, and her little guy was chasing my little guy around the front lawn while my baby girl looked on from her stroller.

I said, "It looks like we are in the same boat!"

She laughed, and we've been rowing together ever since.

It isn't often you meet another family with perfectly matched playmates for all your kids.
The kids got along great and we got to chat and laugh. It was a great night. Thanks, W family.

On Saturday, we crammed in most of the errands that needed to be done. We tried to find "Fairy sparkles" and Cat ears at the Halloween store, but the sparkles were the wrong color and the cat ears were made out of plastic! Ewwww! I know we can do better than that, so we will keep looking.

Reilly found a new pair of jeans, which just thrills her, because a.) she's a clothes horse (she wants to be a fashion designer when she grows up) and b.) bless her heart, she's short like me and trying to find the right size in the waist to fit in length is a 9 store, 4 day process. So, YEA! we are both happy!

Saturday evening, Drew 'semi-surprised' me with a date night. We ate dinner at a new Roadhouse. It was pretty good. Then we went to see the movie Fireproof.

It was soooo good! I will write more about it in another post. But wow! You should go see it while it is still in theatres.

On Sunday, we actually got to church early. I know, I know! So Drewie was in a great mood and we were still talking about the movie from the night before. Our church just started a new sermon series called Mythbusters. It's all about the 'myths' Christians and non-Christians believe to be true. Yesterday's myth was, God wants me to be Happy!

I learned a lot. One thing our pastor always asks us to do before the sermon, is to pray the words, "Lord, teach me something about yourself today." I always like to tack on to the end of it, "...and please God, let it change me!" We studied Job and I need to remember that when I feel overcome with the trials of this world, I need to go and get my head in THAT story!

The one point of the message that I am trying to focus on and digest is this;

Do I want God to be happy?

If I answer 'yes' then I have to know what brings God happiness? What brings Him pleasure?

According to Pastor Smith, the answer is sacrifice.

And that really affects me. Because like many of you, the desire of my heart is to please God. It also speaks to me about some of my present situations. I know sacrifice. It's a lesson that I have learned 'out in the field.'

But I have never thought that God was pleased with me for it.

Because during it, I can't see past anything but the pain of losing something. I admit, I don't "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds," (James 1:2). I know that is the right way, the spiritual way to feel, but I promised that I would be honest and during seasons of sacrifice in my life, I haven't been able to feel that until after that season has passed. And even then in my humanness, I am thinking more about what God was/is trying to grow in me, in my character than...joy.

So, how do we as Jesus-followers get to that point?

Like I said, I have learned a few things about suffering. I have learned to identify with my Savior in the crucifixion principle. And it is true,
it does build character,
it does draw me closer to the Father's heart,
it does eradicate things in my life that don't bring Him glory.
What I still can't get my mind around is the fact that this brings Him pleasure. In the easiest sense of the word, I get it. Of course, He desires my growth, and my holiness.
But, I can not understand that I as a mere mortal, I could bring pleasure to GOD!
As I have been chewing on this for a day and a half now, it makes me WANT TO!
And then, that scares me, because I don't want to have to sacrifice! So there is the dilemma, what costs me something, brings Him happiness. When I give up something, to get something greater, He is pleased with me.
The flip side is that maybe (please, Lord!) I can be reminded of this fact during the sacrifice. Maybe if I could remember this principle, if I thought beyond myself for 2 seconds, for crying out loud, then I could surrender in obedience with joy in my heart, couldn't I?????

Pastor Smith reminded us at the end of the sermon, that, yes, God cares if we are happy, but there are things that are better to Him than happiness. You can listen to the sermon here http://http//fairhavenchurch.org/downloads/media/audio/101208%20David%20Smith.mp3

As the story of Job comes to a close, we see the reward God has given him in return for the high cost that Job gave in sacrifice. Verse 10 says"...the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before."

For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.

Though He brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love.

For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

Lamentations 3:31-33

My New Favorite Place

2008-10-09T10:31:00.010-04:00

One week this past summer, my family traveled back 'home' (which is Pennsylvania for me and Northeastern Ohio for my hubby). We grew up about 40 miles apart and never met until college. Anyways, when we make the 4.5 hour trip we split our time between his family and friends and mine.

This trip happened to be prompted by my step sister's wedding so the majority of our week was spent with my side. Some of you may know what it feels like to try and fit everything in.

We wanted to make this trip a fun 'mini-vacation' for our kids, so we had planned trips to the beach, zoo and amusement park.

We had a long list of old friends and colleagues that we wanted to catch up with.

My husband had relatives in from Arizona.

My mom still needed help with last minute details.

AAAAAGHHHHH!

We felt torn between all the expectations and actually having some time to relax!

Towards the end of the week, after too many day trips with the kids, and too many late nights visiting, we drove over to my husband's best friend's house. It is always so good to visit with Steve and Carrie, because no matter how long it has been, we always pick up right where we left off. There is no awkwardness, just a genuine enjoyment that comes from being together. The kids were happy to not have a schedule and they had a ball just running around the yard being kids! (Which gave us parents a little down time!)

While we were there, we spent almost the entire time out on their deck. We ordered pizza for dinner.

The next morning we drank our coffee and ate Aunt Carrie's now famous Cinnamon Rolls.

We made sandwiches and fed the kids lunch.

We gave them Popsicles!

ALL on the deck.

Seriously, I think I only went in to use the potty. We spent about 24 hours there, and we lived outside! We sat under the stars that night with a candle and chatted until long after the kids were asleep. And we went right back to our spots the next morning.

And that was the best part...

My spot.

My friend Carrie is so talented. She always has something in her home that she "...found at a garage sale...or a thrift store... or...in some one's trash!!" But she can refinish/refurbish/restore it into something beautiful and functional. Back to the point. I spent my time at her house on her "new" swing. Her neighbor was throwing it away and she asked for it. She repainted it, had her mom-in-law make some new canvas cushions, got Steve to add some new hardware...

and TA-DA!!!

********************My spot*******************

The time I spent on that swing was an oasis for me.

It was the first time in a loooooong time that I had stopped to take some time for myself.

You need to know that this is a big swing;

like big enough that someone of... let's say... "short stature" could lay down on.

I mean head to toe.

Ok, people,

I'm 5 feet tall!!

I drank up that time.

It happened to be the last week in July where even along the lake, temperatures can climb into the low 90s. But God was smiling on me that day and there was a reprieve from the heat wave. It was probably mid 70s, slight breeze in the trees, and clouds floating effortlessly above me.

It seemed like time stopped for me in those moments

and it was therapeutic.

I needed that time.

Time to STOP!

Time to daydream!

Time to let God's Spirit speak to me and remind me that

He restores my soul.

That's what happened that week in July. We went home and amidst all that was going on, I got a much needed break. When we got back home to Dayton, I couldn't stop thinking about that darn swing. It was a gift. A hand-me-down, homemade, borrowed gift.

I had to have one!

More than the swing, I craved what it represented to me.

A moment of reflection,

a moment of peace,

a moment of quiet!

Those things are almost non-existent in my life. But I realized how desperately I need them.

So, I put the swing on my list! (That's a little trick we started with our kids when they were very young and got the "gimmes". If they think they want something, it goes on their list, then when birthdays and Christmas roll around we ask them to prioritize. It has worked out really well for us.)

My birthday is in September, so I was really hoping that I could enjoy my new present during the coolness of fall. Well, we priced them and decided that $200 was more cash than we wanted to spend. (Especially since Carrie's only cost her a can of spray paint!)

Well, my friend Annie is addicted to craigslist and can you believe she found me one?!! For $50! No spray paint or new cushions required! So 2 weeks after my birthday, Drew drove up north with me and we picked it up.

And now I can have rest and peace and quiet any ole time I want.

Actually that isn't true, because life's responsibilities are always calling me.

But...the option is always available and when I can, I take advantage of it.

Because it is a gift that I can give not only myself, but my family.

A little peace in Mommy's heart, helps keep our home a somewhat happier place.

And I will be thankful, for those stolens moments that remind me to slow down, and breathe deep the gifts of my heavenly Father.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

Colossians 3:15

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way...

2 Thessalonians 3:16

2008-10-07T10:01:00.001-04:00

I am starting this blog as a journal of sorts...I feel like I need some accountability on my thoughts. If I can't write it or say it then maybe I shouldn't be thinking it, right?

I would love to sit down and blog about my beautiful home (it's a little 'disheveled' at the moment) or the tasty recipes I have prepared for my family (does mac n cheese count?) but the truth is, that while I love to read those blogs and appreciate all my talented, creative friends...that just isn't me!

So, here is me....like the title says, Life didn't turn out for me the way that I thought it would.

Life is hard.

Wait, let's be honest,

it can be excruciating.

And that is where you come in. I need accountability that reminds me, this life is but a vapor. I need to remember that in my weakness, He is strong. I need to CHOOSE joy as I walk this journey. I know better. I know God wants more for me than to live in defeat. I know that the enemy wants like everything for me to wallow in despair.

I GET TO CHOOSE!!!!!

I will promise you that I don't have all the answers. I agree that sometimes Christian rhetoric is...just...

let's face it,

'cliche'.

I will promise you that I will be honest.
I won't paint a rosy picture, when the clouds hide the sun.
I won't pretend to have it all together, when I am falling apart.

I will remember that I have Hope!
I will remember that Jesus' arms are big enough to hold me when I'm sad and strong enough to catch me when I fall.
I will remember that His Word has everything I need to walk out this life.
I will share with you how He is meeting me in the hurt and how He is healing me.

And I WILL DANCE!!!

That's what this whole thing is about. Suck it up, get out of the pit, dust yourself off, and DANCE!!!!

p.s.

I also like that quote that says "Dance like no one is watching!"

Let's live out LOUD !

Victory is ours for the taking!

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long: we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:35-39 NIV